Monday, January 7, 2013

This is the Hate-Mail You Were Looking For

Greetings and welcome to shamefulpromotions.com, where opinions are like assholes...and everybody's got one! And speaking of assholes, today I am hosting a very special guest on this blog. The talented and always funny Pickleope is the guest of honor and he holds nothing back as he delivers the hate mail I've been looking for.

This is a win win situation for me. The first win is that I don't have to do the writing. I can just sit back and let the guest do all the work. The second win is that his post has a lot of potential to generate more hate mail....a blogger's dream!

Take it away, Pickleope!

***

Working Glutton Dan Workingdan lamented in a comment on my site that he has yet to receive a single bit of hate mail outside of a misunderstanding. Let's see if we can rectify that (I'm already off to a good start using a word close to "rectum").
Some know him as Dan, humble blogger with a penchant for cursing, but there's a more sinister side. Let's look at some of his more...colorful...opinions:



Necrophilia should be legalized. As long as the person is doing the defiling is also the person doing the embalming. Who else is willing to get intimate with the dead if that's not their chosen profession? And really, what's the difference between them cutting you and gutting you and just getting a little happy-happy on the side. I want my embalmer to be happy rather than be all pent up and my corpse ends up looking like Joseph Merrick (look it up soon-to-be-a-human-jelly-sleeve). Earthworms EAT you then poop you out. Is being worm poop really worse than providing a lonely embalmer a moment of pleasure?



Speaking of things to be legalized, I say bestiality should be legalized if the human is the taker, not the giver. Oh, we shouldn't provide happiness to horses and cows? Perhaps you should tell that to the so-called "scientists" who manually masturbate animals for artificial insemination. I say these Sloppy-Beastie-Bottoms (Trademark Working Dan Enterprises, shirts available soon) are pioneers in the animal-semen extraction sciences.

Speaking of beasts, there are too many baby and pet videos. Quite frankly, one is too many. "Oh look, it crawled into something where cats or babies don't go, how precious." It just makes me think your pet is dumb, and that's sad. Yes, I get it it, babies gurgle and laugh sometimes. How. Adorable. Why are you whoring out your child on the internet? It's shameful. Speaking of which, pet shaming? I'd rather shame the owner for not properly training his/her pet. You know who doesn't shame pets? The freaking Dog Whisperer, whose name I would know if I gave a half a crap about anyone else's dumb pets. Unless it's a pet monkey. Pet monkeys are sweet.



Abortion? Absolutely. Not just this in-the-womb nonsense either. I believe that person-hood doesn't begin until words can be formed. That's right! A baby isn't a person until it can talk. Until then, it's just a late-late-term abortion. Huh? What ABOUT Helen Keller!?! If that miracle worker lady hadn't stopped by, her parents could have easily, and justifiably tied weights to her ankles and tossed her into a lake, humanely of course.



There you have it. Some of the opinions held by Dan. Definitely not me. Absolutely all Dan's opinions. You should see what his wife says about things like euthanizing ugly people by putting poison in knock-off brand bagged cereal (she says only ugly people eat cereal that comes in a sack rather than a box...she's not wrong).
So direct all hate mail to Dan, he kind of asked for it.

***

And that, my friends, is the Pickle of all Pickles! Complete with antlers and a dirty mind. Thank you, Pickleope, for your contribution to Shameful Promotions! And what a shame it is!


Thank you and blog safely my friends!



39 comments:

  1. You should get some interesting responses from this one, Dan.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think that most embalmers probably do commit necrophilia. Plus I never realised just how much bestiality actually goes on. People are weird.

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    Replies
    1. It's a sick, sad world we live in, Mark!

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  3. Thankfully those antlers are in the way. Thank you again for letting my idiocy grace your page. And thank you for sprinkling in some amazing illustrations.

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    Replies
    1. Any time! And you might not want to trim those antlers...for your brain's sake!

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  4. So where are these Sloppy-Beastie-Bottoms t-shirts, anyway?

    Also, be careful with those really, really late term abortions. My mom might still consider one for me.

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    Replies
    1. You are able to speak and form words so I think you're safe!

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  5. Hahaha talk about guns/gun control. That will get em.

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    Replies
    1. That it would! My next post perhaps?

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  6. Gia's right. You live in the USA -- all you have to do in order to get hate mail is to advocate gun control. On another point, I always thought Pickleope was a girl -- where the hell did I get that impression?

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    Replies
    1. I did too, actually. He/she has never specified. I'm assuming it's a boy because I called him a he and got no complaints!

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    2. Us hermaphrodites are flexible.

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  7. Where do I send my hate mail?

    I hate this blog, Workingdan sucks, and I've been wanting to express my outrage for months now.

    Workingdan is what is wrong with this country.

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    Replies
    1. Actually, the problem with this country is all the damn lesbians. Especially those with lesbians in their soup!

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  8. WorkingDan sucks but the Pickle wrote this and I'm not at all offended by it. The Pickle is brilliant, while WorkingDan, well he's a slag and not worth my time as a blogger or as a human being. Really, I just wish he'd drown in his beer and get it over with. Jaysus, he but he's a real gobshite.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well then what in the Sam Hell are you doing here commenting on my blog?

      Beat it, Irish! Be gone with ya!

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    2. I was trying to help you out with that comment Dan. You wanted insults, I give them to you and this is the thanks I get. Dammit, I'm going to cry now.

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    3. I know what you were trying to do. I just had to roll with it and continue to prove myself as a worthy asshole! Must be working if you are going to cry!

      Besides, I wanted hate mail...not hate comments! lol

      Delete
  9. haha now if the right stick up their bum person finds this, you will surely get some hate mail just for letting it print. The cat seconds Anne's proposal hahaha

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    Replies
    1. How about I just cram that stick up your ass and you can come back and file your complaint?

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  10. Brilliant dude! I'm sure someone will do a Google search for one of the items listed and you will get the hate mail you are looking for. Good luck!

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    Replies
    1. I hope so! Not that I can't come up with new material. It's just hate rants are more fun!

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  11. I hope this works! I think you need a follow-up post in a couple weeks- if "skull fucking pickles" shows up in your Google analytics, then you have won the internet!

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    Replies
    1. If skull fucking pickles leads someone to my site I wouldn't be the least bit surprised. Sick people out there!

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  12. I've also never received hate mail....but I'm not going to be initing pickle to my place...damn! Who knows what kind of bigotry and hatred would be found inside of me if I did?

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    Replies
    1. You know you want to. In fact, I have a post brewing in my head to entice hate mail specifically for you, Jewels. Invite the pickle. You can't resist.

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    2. Yeah, Jewels! Get yourself a tickle from the pickle!

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  13. Hahaha! Hopefully this works and you'll be getting plenty of hate mail. Funny stuff. And your 'wife' is definitely right about the bagged cereal.

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    Replies
    1. Well shit man! What's that say about me? I eat bagged cereal!

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  14. Oh my God, it's an unholy alliance! But actually it was so completely offensive that it wasn't offensive at all. Sorry Pickleope. It was a really good try, though :)

    And how the heck have I gotten hate mail, but working Dan hasn't? (my hate mail was way before your guest post, Pickleope, so you can't take the credit)

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  15. I know a few hunters that go into the woods not to hunt but you know, the other thing. Angry bears need love too.

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  16. im okay with all these opinions. cause thats the american way. cheers.

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  17. Ah, I wish I could derive some type of anger or ill-will from this post, but it's hard to do if I agree with everything.

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  18. Replies
    1. Awesome! Send us an email and tell me about it!

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